Why parent-approved dating is a crippling punishment

"I am looking for an interesting conversationalist; someone who is curious about the world," reads the matrimonial profile of a Bangalore-based lawyer. He reaches out to me, and we agree to meet. "Why is marriage important to you?" is the first question he asks me. I am momentarily stunned: I was not expecting a person I barely knew to ask me such a profound question.

I must now confess about a problem I have. I like to ponder. When I am asked for my opinion, I take it upon myself to provide what I think is a well-rounded response. I now know that this is the wrong approach while being interviewed by a prospective suitor. One sentence in, and you can see a smirk. Try to continue with your thoughts, and you will be dismissed. "You are quite a thinker," one man tells me. I am told later that the translation is: "You are boring."

The lawyer tells me that he is not judgemental. This statement comes without a preamble. I wonder why he feels the need to tell me this. A few days later, in the middle of an exchange of text messages, he says "Wow, you are such a prude. Being this way can interfere with how you connect to and interact with people." A man who has spent so little time with me has already come up with this conclusion. I choose to be silent. There is great dignity in it.

He further comments: "Chill. The trick is not to take everything too seriously." Notice how he interprets my reaction or lack thereof. It is as if I am taking his judgment to heart, and that I should learn to relax.

After a few hours, another message pops-up: "I am sorry if I was a bit indelicate." You are likely unaware of the non-apology apology. Let me deconstruct it for you. He doesn't consider it rude to tell a stranger that she lacks interaction skills. He is instead sorry that I took his comments personally. In short, the problem is still with me.

The half-hearted messages stop after some time. I am thus exposed to another dating phenomenon. Ghosting. The abrupt ceasing of all communication without warning or justification. When you ghost someone, you directly send the message that you have no respect for the other person's time. Please scroll through your messages. You were not sending texts to a wall. Someone made an effort to write you back. She allowed time on her schedule to meet you when she was not obliged to.

What part of your self-respect is compromised by thanking someone for their time and respectfully telling them that you do not wish to converse further? Is it part of a status-affirming, vanity exercise to walk out from a conversation just because the woman no longer fits into your constricted interpretation of being engaging?

I am told, "there is a certain something you have to do to be appealing to men." No one teaches you the mysterious art of attracting the right partner while you are in school. Don't Indians love the concept of coaching classes? IIT entrance. AIIMS entrance. It's only reasonable to have one to enter marriage. Crash course on how to get the guy. Worksheets detailing possible questions a man might ask. An answer key which makes you sound fascinating, and makes him want to know you better.

A friend sent me self-help videos made by Matthey Hussey, a famous British dating coach. An unmarried gentleman sits on a couch and rattles out what women are doing wrong in their love lives. "Don't work too hard to get the guy, you might be pushing him away," he says. Did I tell you that each of his videos has more than a million views?

Another video talks about how to create value in the text messages you send to your boyfriend. According to Hussey, if you say, "Hey, what's up," you are both dull and bored. Instead, you are supposed to send a picture message with a meaningful caption to remind the man of a conversation you have had earlier. "Assertively tell the guy to join you for a weekend activity," he says. "Show the man that you are confident."

I listen to the last tip many times over because I am unable to understand it. "Use a text message to communicate a standard," Hussey says. "While telling a man what you expect in a relationship, put a playful wink smiley at the end so as not to overwhelm or scare him."

I scroll down to read the comments. “I am a fan. You helped me get my boyfriend to commit," a woman gushes. Is it just me, or is this not subtle manipulation?

Let's assume for a minute that I used the words this love 'guru' prescribes to score points with a man. Would I have to continue using his techniques to keep the man then? If yes, where is the place for individuality?

"Have you been in a relationship?" asks another suitor, a Cambridge-educated technical expert. "No serious boyfriends?"

"No," I say, the distraction in my voice evident. "Is that a disqualification?"

He laughs. "It could be. It means you don't know how to co-exist in a romantic relationship."

My friend had cautioned me: "You are a bore if you say you have no boyfriends. If you were in a relationship, you are a slut. Your morality will be questioned ruthlessly." At the time, I brushed off her counsel as an over-reaction to the antiquated match-making process. I was wrong. I would be judged even if I had no relationship experience.

I ask him: "What are your expectations from a partner?"

"Well, she should be independent," he responds with a smile. "Should there not be perks to getting married?" "I expect her to cook for me, and pay the bills. Take care of the household."

I am not going to come up with an "I am educated. I consider it beneath my dignity to cook or clean" refrain. Equality does not mean that each person comes in with rigid view-points with no space for compromise. How about we agree to meet mid-way? Share the responsibilities. Enable one another. Push the partner to be his or her best. Unfortunately, this reasonable definition of equality does not sell. People would much rather buy the incomplete "I am wronged and taken advantage of" narrative. We collectively lose the argument on what constitutes marriage equality only because we are too eager to hold on to a cheap, TRP-rising, sound byte.

In the process of meeting the men my parents have profiled for me, I have been labeled intense and serious. Maybe it's who I am. After all, I cannot become a stand-up comic, or memorize a bunch of jokes overnight to come across as light-hearted. The truth is, I am absolutely in love with who I am. There is real value in my story. If the men I meet have a let-me-check-boxes-as-I-speak- to-her approach, I will never be able to make them happy. Forget me; no one can be expected to fit into a conformist mould of preset expectations.

The peril of modern-day dating is that there is no need to try. Your time is precious. You don't have the bandwidth to understand a person and discover her quirks and eccentricities. If the woman you meet today doesn't live up to all your requirements, you can quickly pull out the next profile from the shortlisted stack.

We match the ranking of graduate schools. We match remuneration and looks. Going to a reputed institution or getting a fancy degree sadly does not make you civilized. If you talk down to the woman seated across from you and make her feel inadequate and inferior, your education hasn't served you well. Veiled misogyny and narcissism take away from your deceptive, supposedly polished matrimonial profile.

You may now ask me if I have a checklist. The answer is no. All I am looking for is a decent human being who lets me be who I am. This requires magnanimity. If a man is going to be quick to judge me, put me down, and place a cap on what I should and should not do, I am going to be severely restrained. Consorting with him would amount not to a happy marriage, but imprisonment.

I  assure you that this by no means is a sweeping generalization. Please do not come to me with a hashtag similar to #notallmen. It is unwise, however, to expect honesty, integrity, and compassion in a dating scene filled with smug, condescending men. Interacting with what I call the perfect-on-paper matches only depletes women of emotional energy.

The search for the elusive, once-in-a-generation, decent man continues.

I Was Not Ready Da - Aravind SA

"The next line is Shakespeare level lyrics," says Aravind SA, while talking about Lungi Dance, a song which irked true-blue Madrasis like me. I hit replay as the video ends: this is an excellent piece of stand-up comedy, subtle yet powerful, seemingly straightforward yet artfully nuanced.

As I sit down to write my daily quota, I can't help but pause and reflect on Aravind's writing. Yes, it is insightful. But the magic lies in the pauses in his delivery. It appears to me that he stops just before the narrative is complete. It is as if he hopes that you will fill a small part of it by yourself. Therein shines a rare generosity. It would be easy for him to thrust his views on the audience. Afterall, the stage and microphone belong to him. But he holds back. He allows the audience to join in and share his frustrations or laugh at the oddities. And in so doing, he makes the whole performance a communal experience and elevates the content to include a relatability component.

When you hear about the Bay area tech-whiz prodigies (read: Karthik Kumar from Google, and Eshwar from E-Bay) in real-life, it's likely someone will smirk and say, "you will never make it." No matter where we go, we are surrounded by an overwhelming smugness. A small whisper of a thought flits through my mind when I hear anyone speak about academic or professional achievements: I wish people would stop introducing others using their designations, or alma mater. Aravind picks up on fleeting moments of despair that we all experience, and introduces an alternate perspective. He slips the message in inconspicuously. "It's okay," he seems to say. You instantly feel better. There are more people like you. It's cathartic to know that not everyone has their act together. Aravind simply convinced you of it.

Something about him seems familiar to me. When I discovered it, I was thrilled. Aravind has the effortless ability of Sanjay Subrahmanyan. Have you heard Sanjay sing Papanasam Sivan compositions in the Panguni festival at the Kapaleeswarar temple? When he sings about the presiding deity, you can almost feel the presence of Lord Siva. He transports you to a higher plane and keeps you there until a cascade of swaras begin, and you find yourself taking in the "Siva Siva" on the majestic gopuram. Mylapore comes alive when Aravind speaks about his locality: the temple, Kutchery road, the Academy, Marina, and the glorious Mylaporeans. He paints a canvas, and you slip into his shoes. Aravind draws you in to view the world as he does, and when the show ends, you sincerely wonder why you cannot journey along with him for all time.

The striking commonality of all humor in our age is its ephemeral value. Jokes are designed keeping in mind the attention span of the average Instagram and Facebook user. Aravind's humor lingers after you leave the hall. You could be discussing it with your friends the next day. You could be sharing Youtube videos with your family. Every time you speak about him, you inadvertently think back to that favorite joke, the intonation, the hand movements, and that laugh. You smile, and you think once again about what a lasting impact he has on you.

My Facebook feed is filled with life mantras. "Be positive, the best is yet to come," and "Live, laugh, love" (with a hundred shares and thousand comments) flood my newsfeed daily. If you have to laugh with abandon, go and watch Aravind live. Witness how he wipes away your worries albeit for a short duration. You have likely seen the ad that claims that Disneyland is the happiest place in the world. Aravind quietly recreated it for you in his show. 

Arise, Women of India!

 Women hold flags while participating in the Quit India movement

"Nimirndha nan nadai naer konda paarvaiyum
Nilathil yaarkkum anjaatha nerigalum
Thimirndha gnana cherukkum iruppadhaal
Semmai maadhar thirambuvadhu illaiyaam."

Her head held high, looking everyone in the eye,
Unafraid of anyone because of innate integrity,
Possessing assuredness born of courage of conviction, 
The Modern Woman never feels inferior to anyone.

-Subramania Bharati, Pudhumai Penn

In the days leading up to August 15, I hear the cadets and band rehearse at a feverish pace for the flag raising ceremony at the college across from my residence. On the streets outside the main market, vendors sell flags, stickers, and badges in the shape of the Indian map in makeshift stalls. A crowd gathers around an artist who adds finishing touches to an image of Gandhi made using color powder. Patriotism is in the air, and as the nation watches the Prime Minister deliver his address from the ramparts of the Red Fort, grandparents narrate tales from the Independence struggle to a rapt audience of children. 

"They did not think of anything but setting the country free," my grandfather says, speaking of the innumerable men and women who participated in the hartals headed by Sarojini Naidu during the Quit India Movement in 1942. One soldier derisively asked a group of women standing in front at a protest: "Do you know what you are fighting for?" They looked at one another, unable to understand the soldier's words. "Bharat Mata ki Jai," they shouted in unison, before getting beaten again. "Imagine how hard it must have been," my grandfather says after pausing for a while. "They had no idea how Independent India would organize itself and grow under native leadership. They did not even know if they will live to see the British leave the country. Yet, they fought with the conviction that their collective strength in resisting the Crown's rule was stronger than any armed rebellion could have achieved." 

In 1858, Rani Lakshmibai jumped on a horse with her son in tow to protect her life and fight against the 8th Hussars. She did not need anyone's permission to stand up against the British. She led her regiment to defend the fort cloaked only in the belief that her motherland should not be under foreign rule. Aruna Asaf Ali, hailed widely as the Grand Lady of the Independence Movement, protested against the indifferent treatment of political prisoners in Tihar Jail by launching a hunger strike. She bravely raised the Indian National Congress flag at the Gowalia tank maidan in Bombay during the Quit India movement, regardless of police firing at the session she was presiding over. 

There was no feminist movement then to grant these women the right to participate in the freedom struggle. The priority was to liberate a nation from the yoke of tyranny: any man, woman or child who showed an inclination to contribute towards the cause was accepted with open arms. That men and women are equal and have equal rights, and responsibilities was a self-evident truth. Poets like Sarojini Naidu and Mahakavi Bharati spoke of women with high regard emphasizing how a nation can be made prosperous only if both genders work together. 

Seventy years later, the narrative has changed. Rallies and movements demand that women have equal rights both in the work place and in a marriage. The fundamental flaw in the feminist revolution today is that by asking that women should be allowed to exercise basic rights, we create the perception that the rights did not already belong to them and have to be secured now. An unhealthy bias is built on the premise that women are the weaker sex and they need the validation and support of a man to forge their path. 

"What do you want to do when you grow up?" a relative asks my cousin sister as she plays with a doll. "I want to become a rocket scientist," she says happily, tossing the doll in the air. "That is a hard profession for a girl," the relative cautions. "You will find jobs that are less demanding when you grow up," she concludes. How do we, as a society, tell girl children what they should be capable of? Who gives us the authority to insert a ceiling on their aspirations? The boys who grow up hearing their families limit their sisters and cousins naturally begin to feel they are superior. It is social conditioning at the grassroots. Know the adage that unlearning is harder than learning? Men have trouble acknowledging women as their equals because of the invisible pedestal on which they were raised. 

If I were to go out and conduct a survey: "What area must the country focus on in the next decade?" I would likely get a wide range of responses. Some will say, "clean energy and better infrastructure." Others might say, "improvement in the higher education system." I say, "we strive for equality in the broadest sense of the term." People are the initiators of any change that will drive the country forward, be it in the field of technology or urban development. How would we fare as a country if we did not restrict our women in any way? Here is a thought experiment I like to do: "Imagine a utopian world in which anyone can do his or her bit to better the society. A woman can, by her education and previous experiences be as valuable to the State as a man is. Multiply an individual's potential by the entire population of women." It's not difficult to predict how successful the nation will be and how we can set an example for the rest of the world to follow if we not only preached but practiced equality.

"My message, especially to young people is to have courage to think differently, courage to invent, to travel the unexplored path, courage to discover the impossible and to conquer the problems and succeed. These are great qualities that they must work towards," says Dr. Abdul Kalam. Most people connect deeply with Dr. Kalam's words after hearing a motivational speech or watching a movie that stirs patriotic sentiments. Although there is significant meaning in his directive to the youth, it is still an idea on paper. To implement it would need encouragement from parents, teachers, and mentors. We have to open our minds to what is possible if we do not restrict the dreams of young women. For how is it a dream if we cage if with our constraints, not giving it much needed space to broaden? A girl might come up with an idea for how she could give back to our country. It is up to us to chisel her initial goals into a workable model to follow towards success. "Reach for the stars," the speaker will say during a university convocation. If we changed our mindset to be inclusive and approached the subject of women empowerment with a delusional positivity instead of cautious optimism, the stars might just be the first leap in a long sprint towards an envisaged future. 

Women empowerment conferences attract participants from across the country. Panelists are top industrialists and political leaders, role models girls can follow. Some may despair: "we do not have the same educational background they do. How can we become like them?" It is a valid concern. We can, however, bridge the gap so that women achievers become the norm instead of the outlier they are now. 

It is likely you will be called harsh names when you fight for something you deserve. You might not get the support of family or friends when you ask to be treated with respect. Know when you enter the manager's room to ask for a pay increase or raise your objection against harassment in the team, you carry with you the spirit of courageous precedents who helped carve your identity: women whose voices did not carry beyond the inner chamber of their houses as the men transacted daily business but shouted slogans protesting the British administration, women who pledged their jewels to sustain the non-cooperation movement even when daughters were not entitled to a share in ancestral property, women who burned foreign clothes and merchandise on the streets knowing they would be imprisoned and tortured, and women who learnt to spin the charkha in the darkness of their homes so the nation might some day be flooded with the light of freedom. 

We now stand at the threshold of a new, promising phase in India's all-round development. The legacy of countless women visionaries stands as a pillar upon which we might build our contributions. The work they have tirelessly put in to give us a free country can be seen both as a terrible onus or an inspiring force. Children will read about the century after India became an independent nation in 1947. We can go down in the annals of history as a helpless people regressively pleading for that which is ours and failing to ameliorate the country that was gifted to us, or we can rise to fight for what we know to be right and make the country the best and most accepting that it has been, even as all our countrymen unite, ignited by Bharatiyar's words: 

"Aanum Pennum Nigar Enakkollvathaal
Arivil O'ngi Ivvaiyagam Thazhaikkumaam" 
(This world will achieve excellence in knowledge and wisdom by holding men and women equal.)

A Step Towards Erasing Rape

A front page news report a few days ago about the video of the gang rape of two women going viral in North India sent the country into collective shock and disgust. As has become the shameful norm currently, the incident sparked widespread discussion on what constitutes appropriate behavior for a woman, a set of rules she must adhere to so as to 'avoid' being raped.

The image portrayed in popular culture is primarily to blame for the disgraceful, base attitude that men have towards women. In a recent movie, the male protagonist is seen making a defensive argument to explain his conduct. "It's biological instinct; a man has to hunt for a beautiful woman," the hero screams, hoping that the woman realizes the justification for his actions. Most romantic films show a hero persistently nagging his love interest and after constant harassment bordering on lewd stalking, 'gets' her. In a single demeaning sweep, a woman is reduced to an entity which can be acquired, an object whose primary purpose is to satisfy a man's sexual desires.

Responsum proportionalem (translated: proportional response) originated as a principle in law used as a criterion for fairness and justice. In simple terms, proportionality implies that the punishment of an offender should fit the crime. The perpetrator should be meted proportional retribution, correspondent to the mental and physical trauma a rape victim endures, and the permanent loss of her family's reputation in the society. The punishment should be harsh, merciless and immediate. Court cases which drag on for many years imply that men can get away with their immoral behavior. A special tribunal should handle rape cases and pronounce judgment instantly, and the law should be free from loopholes protecting the rich, famous, and the powerful. The retribution should serve as a reminder to any man who even contemplates behaving crudely or uncouthly towards a female colleague or friend.

Most people think women don't have a right to their bodies and needs. A woman's choice and decision is not seen as final or binding. Her consent or lack thereof is perceived as trivial. As a society, there is trouble understanding that 'no' means 'no.' The twisted mindset is that by use of force, a man can have his way and win the prize. The feminist movement does not advocate effectively for the equality and respect of all human beings. Despite claiming to make progress in all social and economic spheres, our patriarchal society cannot look past the fact that a man can be high-handed with a woman, that she belongs to the weaker sex and can be manipulated to satisfy his needs.

Our girls are raised differently than the boys. We teach girls to remain vigilant and wear modest clothes and advise them not to stay out late so that they are not raped. Why don't we start teaching boys that consent is important, that they cannot touch a girl against her wishes? We have to stop teaching them that they are superior to girls and that girls are weaker than them. Our country is in need of a change in ideology: girls should be given equal respect, and their opinions should count.

The next question is why we stigmatize the victims of rape and not the perpetrators. We associate a woman's honor with her virginity and write off a victim as 'impure.' The man who committed the ignoble, heinous crimes walks away unscathed. Should we not be more considerate towards the victim? We must give the victim a chance to undergo counseling, and we must help her regain her sense of self-confidence. If we shame her, she will be scared even to come forward and report the crime. 

What our country requires most now is a dramatic alteration in how we view a woman. If we see her as equally educated, well-qualified, and suitably employed, an individual who works hard to keep the family financially secure and contribute to the progress of the nation, instead of a commodity that can be misappropriated, we can stand tall and claim our place as an egalitarian society.

The Master of Science Conundrum

Graduate school is where you meet people who discuss teaching ethics and morality or theoretical physics over coffee and continue the conversation when you walk down corridors to classes. Does this sound like an idealistic notion Sal Khan will expound on in an interview? I was one of the people who believed this when I started out. The truth is the closer your experience is to the description above, the more likely you are going to have the time of your life while in school. In this article, I hope to tell you about some lessons I have learned during my time here; admission blogs miss out these key components to figuring out grad school.

If you were admitted into grad school, you probably belong to one or more of three categories. Your parents always mentioned your relative with the fancy degree from an Ivy League and led you to believe that it is the key to success and a happier life. You were inspired by the Facebook posts of a college senior (the admit, the late-night project submissions, the Microsoft internship converted into a full-time offer, the perfect GPA, graduation photos, and the Mercedes-Benz three months later, hopefully in that order). Your research work with a professor opened your mind to new possibilities in your field of interest, and you set out to explore one in depth. Whatever your reasons for pursuing an advanced degree, school is likely to give you what you want if you seek it passionately.

Professors are an integral part of school life, so I will begin with an insight into how they work. The ratio of professors who talk to the blackboard, read from PowerPoint slides, think his/her course is most important, and set unreasonable assignments is the same in the United States as any other country. It will be a folly for one to think that attending any one professor’s lectures alone will inspire them to do Nobel Prize winning work. However, professors often give students the option of approaching them during office hours. One of my former advisors confessed to scheduling these hours at an unearthly time, so he could focus on writing grants. Another professor spoke of how he used office hours as a discriminating parameter to determine grades. He felt that once he got to know the student during office hours, he could use his discretion to raise the student’s grades beyond what the numbers suggested. Most often, students think it is a waste of time to go to office hours to ask for help, and this leaves professors swatting flies.

Academic integrity is not a given in graduate school. You read right: people do cheat on assignments and exams. Where I went to school (University of California, Santa Barbara), if anyone was given the option between spending time on the beach and doing homework, I think we have a clear winner. However, being ethical (read: doing work in solitary confinement) has its charms. You are likely to find all the secret hideouts around your school where you can do your homework without being disturbed. For me, it was steps leading into the water from the local pier. You are more likely to have ‘aha’ moments which lead to the completion of grueling problem sets while you have uninterrupted views of the Pacific, than while you are stuck in a library. The other advantage is that you become something of a hero when exams are around the corner. The change in expression on your classmate’s face when they comprehend some concept you explained is priceless. Understanding homework sets can also lead to a stellar performance on interviews; my friend was hired by Google’s speech recognition team merely because he had focussed on and understood the theory behind a bonus problem on an assignment.

No article about graduate school can be complete without the mention of roommates. After the initial euphoria of group selfies and Starbucks check-ins subsides, reality sets in. The most organized and peace-loving roommate is called upon to make a chart enlisting duties (cooking and cleaning). Two weeks into the semester, only one person is following the chart, and everyone else is almost always busy with coursework. The person who cleans and cooks is seen as unfocused and lacking ambition. If that person is you, please don’t think for a minute that you are making a mistake wanting to live in a clean environment. Go ahead and do your bit; you could potentially inspire your co-inhabitants to do the same.

Your roommates could also rattle your nerves by asking you to settle finances the night before your midterm (God bless Splitwise). However, they will also be the people to whom you end up confiding your professor frustrations and secret crushes. Even the most reasonable roommates can flare up at you unexpectedly. Imagine a scenario when you make tea for your roommate, and he/she flares up at you, sans reason. To think that you are responsible for this sudden outburst is unwise. A harsh professor, never-ending problem set, a feud with the boyfriend/girlfriend could all be behind the random snapping. Your roommate chose to take it out on an unsuspecting you because, for them, you are what is sometimes called a minimum impact target. Yelling at you will not affect their higher priority relationships, you just let these incidents pass and doing so will result in a world of good. I like to think of school as a boat filled with insecure people belonging to the same age group. How efficiently each person combats his/her insecurities without affecting others gives a measure of success outside of school.

A key aspect of the school experience is funding or lack thereof. Having and not having money put you in two different economic strata. To have money means not having to think twice about spending on a latte in Starbucks on a mere whim. In most public schools, money can be hard to come by. TAships are mostly reserved for Ph.D. students (whose advisors have run out of funds temporarily). I have heard my friends say things like: “Is baar funding milegi, toh Siddhi Vinayak paidhal chalungi”(translate: if I get funding this semester, I will walk to the Siddhi Vinayak temple as a thank you gesture). It is interesting how funding drives you to strike bargains with God.

Getting an internship is the top priority for most in engineering school. You hear fellow students discuss it outside classrooms, during coffee social, and parties. I once stayed away from a Diwali event because everyone who attended was discussing internship salaries (Yes, it was Diwali!). The ones who land up with an internship often walk around wearing it as a badge of honor. They will analyze salaries, perks and even potential trekking spots around their companies, whenever they are given a chance. I wish these intelligent souls spared a thought for those languishing without, and didn’t gloat about it. Doing research with a professor is often considered a soft option because of the non-existent financial payoff. However, it could motivate you to enroll in a PhD program or pursue a research career. Getting an internship is not purely based on GPA or an extraordinary skill set; that, my friends, would be a meritocracy. Landing an internship is also about knowing your uncle’s friend who works at Facebook or being touched by the Goddess of Fair Fortune on the day of the interview.

Graduate school is the place you can make true friends who will stick with you, no matter what. If you are a stickler for integrity and want to find people with a common value system, you have got to search carefully. I found that I could have meaningful discussions not only about engineering but also about life philosophies with students I met during TA office hours or while hanging out in the computer lab. Note that some of these eccentric geniuses are closed to interaction, and you have to step out of your comfort zone to approach them. When you are stuck with a problem, however, they will miraculously rise to the occasion, and restore your sanity. These friends will express their opinions as is, sort out your thought processes, and be your all-encompassing support system during your time at school, and hopefully always.

Have you heard the adage that you find happiness and make it your own? Nowhere or in no phase of life is this more applicable than in graduate school. If you are reading this at 4 AM on a submission deadline day, you are probably dreaming of a happy time in the industry when you don’t have to work such long hours. When you graduate, you will look back at all the happy moments: the end-of-semester celebrations, the perfect score on an assignment or the award winning presentation, and woven between these moments like some delicate fabric, a profound and pervasive love for a living.

The Online Matrimonial Bogus

I sat in the astrologer's consultation room as he pored over my horoscope. "Parents rarely know about their children's characters these days. Being educated does not mean that the man will be of reasonable disposition." The conversation that followed dispelled all the notions I had about marriage. I assumed that along with a good education comes broadmindedness and a liberal outlook. I also thought that people do not fake a degree or lie about a salary on a matrimonial website. These illusions, however, stand corrected now.

The profile reads that the boy completed a doctoral degree at MIT and is working for a tech giant in SFO. My mother's conversation with his parents lasts only a few minutes: they were looking for a girl who is equally well qualified, holds an H1- B visa, works in the same geographical location, and earns a salary in a specified range. Also, she should be emotionally independent, and not be a "burden" to the son in any way. The question that arises now is how the proposition is viable to any girl if she has to operate her entire life for a man she barely knows and not even be assured of a steady companionship in exchange.

Another instance: a thirty-year-old claims to draw an annual salary of forty-eight lakh Indian rupees. It took some fact-checking to find that his management degree was granted by an institute which has lost accreditation. The degree is no longer of any value.

There is effectively no piece of information on a matrimonial profile that I will now believe is true. That the boy is a teetotaler, or is of a certain height, are all parameters mentioned to make the profile look polished. If one is still looking to find an alliance through an online portal, place complete faith in the blessings of your ancestors and family God. The process is equivalent to going through a complicated maze blindfolded.

There is a joke that floats around in South Indian circles: girls are often pricey in this day and age, and that it is an unfortunate turn of events that they take their pick and choose a groom. Post hoc ergo propter hoc (translated: 'after this, therefore because of this') might not apply universally, but it definitely holds true here. A marriage implies committing a life to one another, and if this is the pool that smart, ambitious women get to choose from, they have every right to be wary and cautious. The joke might say the girls are headstrong. One has to navigate the task with a measured approach, all the while retaining sanity. The correct term to use, therefore, is prudence, not misplaced arrogance.

We live in an age where everyone speaks fervently about promoting feminism and supporting women's rights. Marriage equality is also an important part of the conversation. And I am not talking about shouting from the rooftops that women are equal and then not substantiating the chorus with appropriate follow-up action. I am suggesting emphatically saying that women have the same rights and responsibilities within a marriage, and also actively doing something about it.

This note is not an indictment of all men. I have had the fortune of knowing some incredible men during my time at graduate school: men who have supported and encouraged my endeavors, men who have gently corrected my faults, and men who have walked me home after a frustrating day. It is not outside the realm of reasonable expectations that the man I marry, my future husband, should possess the same sense of civility and decency that these men do. Most women are not asking for an exotic vacation or expensive jewels; expecting integrity, honesty, and a basic sense of security and compassion is a bare minimum, not an unnecessary extravagance.

I have a request, first to the parents of girls, and then to the girls themselves. I outline them below.
It is not a crime for a girl to be twenty-eight years old and unmarried. There might be a whole society outside that is going to raise eyebrows, or talk ill of your daughter when she is merely striving to be the best in her work-place or at college. She hears the knell only when you pressurize her into getting married, just because, according to a calendar that is now even obsolete, she has to 'settle down' by a certain age. Please remember that you will be proud when you are introduced as the father of a conscientious doctor or an award-winning professor. Marriage might give your daughter a sense of completion; it is not, however, the be all and end all of her existence.

If your daughter can stand long operating hours and also treat outpatients as a neurosurgeon, or break through corporate politics to make it to the top of an organization, she is also capable of looking after, and supporting you both morally and financially when you retire.

For all the driven and motivated women reading this: Remember a time in high school when your parents told you that if you studied hard, you would make it big in life some day? Remember how elated they were when you came home with honors for excelling in academics? The trajectory you are in currently did not come to you by chance or luck. It is years of hard work and sheer determination to make it despite odds that you stand here today.

The next time your parents tell you about the risk of not finding a suitable groom if you study in a higher-ranked school or choosing a certain profession, think back to all the time you have invested in your education. A relationship with someone may or may not guarantee you emotional contentment. But an early career award, or a work promotion and pay raise are a direct result of your efforts, a suitable return on investment that you do not want to let go of, at any cost.

Your prime years should not be spent hoping that the next man you meet through an online site will be the husband you have always hoped for. That amounts to living in a fool's paradise. Please do not place your life on hold waiting for a man to support you with your unfulfilled goals. Instead, go where your work takes you, find some hobby you can passionately pursue, think without restriction and iteratively improve your vision for a future, and the right man will break through the countless pages of search results and give you the marriage you so richly deserve.

Veteran Journalist Passes Away

       With Sri Morarji Desai, Former Finance Minister, at the Raj Bhavan, Chennai

TSS, as he was popularly addressed in journalistic circles, passed away at his Bangalore residence on April 6. In a Rotary club meeting facilitating him for serving in the press for five decades, he was lauded for his extraordinary versatility and unflinching commitment to neutral reporting. His colleagues and mentees respected and admired him for upholding high reporting standards across all the articles he wrote.

Born on February 28, 1923, the first of three children of Subramania Iyer, Mr. T.S Srinivasan grew up in Singanallur and Tiruvidaimarudur before completing a Bachelor's degree in History at the St. Joseph's College in Tiruchirappalli. It was then that his uncle, A.S. Bharathan, general manager at the Press Trust of India in Mumbai took him in as an apprentice. He advised him to pursue a career as a journalist, instead of appearing for the IAS examination. In the next seventeen years, Mr. Srinivasan worked tirelessly in the PTI offices in Gujarat.

His contributions there are best summarized in the words of Mr. Indulal Yagnik, Member of the Lok Sabha. In his farewell letter, he said: "I was agreeably surprised to see you quickly mastering the Gujarati Language, rarely learned by any non-Bombay friends in similar circumstances. As a leftist, I was surprised from the very beginning to see your keen desire to appreciate our points of view and your readiness to give correct and cogent publicity to any opinions or demonstrations in connection with the Kisan movement or the Mahagujarat struggle."

His next assignment was with the Indian News Service at Madurai. It came as no surprise that he continued his stellar work because he had the blessings of Sri Morarji Desai, a dear friend and Former Finance Minister of India. He appreciated Mr. Srinivasan for setting up six centers of the News Agency in Gujarat. Mr. Morarji Desai also observed that Mr. Srinivasan had taken "considerable care" in giving out good news reports that helped to build a healthy public opinion.

In the early sixties, Mr. Srinivasan shifted to Madras to join the Indian Express under Mr. Ramnath Goenka. He served here till the late eighties and retired as a chief reporter. He never failed to research deeply on a topic before writing a report. In an Express obituary of the music composer Papanasam Sivan, he wrote about a stammer that disappeared every time he sang about the presiding deity of the Kapaleeswarar temple. This fact was unknown till then, and his senior remarked that the Express had come out with the comprehensive report, thanks to his efforts.

India Cements K.S Narayan, who fondly called him "Srini, " often remarked about how he covered the activities of the Chamber of Commerce thoroughly. Over the years, he developed a close friendship with Mr. A. Sivasailam, after giving publicity to the evolution of J Farm and actively tracking the growth of the Amalgamations group. In later years, Mr. Sivasailam would speak of how he was yet to come across an industrial reporter with the depth and integrity of Mr. Srinivasan.

Mr. Srinivasan had a rare sense of humor. The famous article he wrote comparing a newspaper and a child for the Reuters Telegram was appreciated by many. He had a keen sense of perception; he wrote on a broad range of topics varying from Bank Nationalization and India's salt industry to Ayurveda and musical therapy.

He actively followed the growth of the leather cloth industry and the subsequent establishment of the Central Leather Research Institute, earning him the respect of Mr. Nagappa Chettiar and Yelavarthy Nayudamma. His many reports on the handloom and textile industry helped him forge a deep association with Mr.Sathyanarayanan and in later years, Mr. Nalli Kuppuswamy Chetty.

He is survived by his daughter Vijayalakshmi, son-in-law Chandrasekar,  and grand-daughter Krithika.

 

With Dr. M.G Ramachandran, Former Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu at a Press Conference