I sat in the astrologer's consultation room as he pored over my horoscope. "Parents rarely know about their children's characters these days. Being educated does not mean that the man will be of reasonable disposition." The conversation that followed dispelled all the notions I had about marriage. I assumed that along with a good education comes broadmindedness and a liberal outlook. I also thought that people do not fake a degree or lie about a salary on a matrimonial website. These illusions, however, stand corrected now.
The profile reads that the boy completed a doctoral degree at MIT and is working for a tech giant in SFO. My mother's conversation with his parents lasts only a few minutes: they were looking for a girl who is equally well qualified, holds an H1- B visa, works in the same geographical location, and earns a salary in a specified range. Also, she should be emotionally independent, and not be a "burden" to the son in any way. The question that arises now is how the proposition is viable to any girl if she has to operate her entire life for a man she barely knows and not even be assured of a steady companionship in exchange.
Another instance: a thirty-year-old claims to draw an annual salary of forty-eight lakh Indian rupees. It took some fact-checking to find that his management degree was granted by an institute which has lost accreditation. The degree is no longer of any value.
There is effectively no piece of information on a matrimonial profile that I will now believe is true. That the boy is a teetotaler, or is of a certain height, are all parameters mentioned to make the profile look polished. If one is still looking to find an alliance through an online portal, place complete faith in the blessings of your ancestors and family God. The process is equivalent to going through a complicated maze blindfolded.
There is a joke that floats around in South Indian circles: girls are often pricey in this day and age, and that it is an unfortunate turn of events that they take their pick and choose a groom. Post hoc ergo propter hoc (translated: 'after this, therefore because of this') might not apply universally, but it definitely holds true here. A marriage implies committing a life to one another, and if this is the pool that smart, ambitious women get to choose from, they have every right to be wary and cautious. The joke might say the girls are headstrong. One has to navigate the task with a measured approach, all the while retaining sanity. The correct term to use, therefore, is prudence, not misplaced arrogance.
We live in an age where everyone speaks fervently about promoting feminism and supporting women's rights. Marriage equality is also an important part of the conversation. And I am not talking about shouting from the rooftops that women are equal and then not substantiating the chorus with appropriate follow-up action. I am suggesting emphatically saying that women have the same rights and responsibilities within a marriage, and also actively doing something about it.
This note is not an indictment of all men. I have had the fortune of knowing some incredible men during my time at graduate school: men who have supported and encouraged my endeavors, men who have gently corrected my faults, and men who have walked me home after a frustrating day. It is not outside the realm of reasonable expectations that the man I marry, my future husband, should possess the same sense of civility and decency that these men do. Most women are not asking for an exotic vacation or expensive jewels; expecting integrity, honesty, and a basic sense of security and compassion is a bare minimum, not an unnecessary extravagance.
I have a request, first to the parents of girls, and then to the girls themselves. I outline them below.
It is not a crime for a girl to be twenty-eight years old and unmarried. There might be a whole society outside that is going to raise eyebrows, or talk ill of your daughter when she is merely striving to be the best in her work-place or at college. She hears the knell only when you pressurize her into getting married, just because, according to a calendar that is now even obsolete, she has to 'settle down' by a certain age. Please remember that you will be proud when you are introduced as the father of a conscientious doctor or an award-winning professor. Marriage might give your daughter a sense of completion; it is not, however, the be all and end all of her existence.
If your daughter can stand long operating hours and also treat outpatients as a neurosurgeon, or break through corporate politics to make it to the top of an organization, she is also capable of looking after, and supporting you both morally and financially when you retire.
For all the driven and motivated women reading this: Remember a time in high school when your parents told you that if you studied hard, you would make it big in life some day? Remember how elated they were when you came home with honors for excelling in academics? The trajectory you are in currently did not come to you by chance or luck. It is years of hard work and sheer determination to make it despite odds that you stand here today.
The next time your parents tell you about the risk of not finding a suitable groom if you study in a higher-ranked school or choosing a certain profession, think back to all the time you have invested in your education. A relationship with someone may or may not guarantee you emotional contentment. But an early career award, or a work promotion and pay raise are a direct result of your efforts, a suitable return on investment that you do not want to let go of, at any cost.
Your prime years should not be spent hoping that the next man you meet through an online site will be the husband you have always hoped for. That amounts to living in a fool's paradise. Please do not place your life on hold waiting for a man to support you with your unfulfilled goals. Instead, go where your work takes you, find some hobby you can passionately pursue, think without restriction and iteratively improve your vision for a future, and the right man will break through the countless pages of search results and give you the marriage you so richly deserve.
