The marriage story

All words marked with asterisk are explained in the footnote below.

Indian women hear the word marriage from a very young age. The notions of this institution change with time; the definition, however, changes dramatically when you are called upon to enter it yourself.

I will start with a few anecdotes about the groom selection process in my community, or should I say species? My examples are based on close friends who are going through the arduous process of filtering potential matches. A word about the procedure: your parents sign you up on a community matrimonial website (translate: online parent-approved dating). Eligibility parameters include (but are not restricted to) post graduate degrees from reputed universities, six figure salaries, “homely” attitude, matching horoscope*, and great looks. Not required, but nice to have are: knowledge of classical music, rituals and festivals, and culinary skills. With this, we have just converted what I naively thought was a compatibility-based decision to a parameter-centric ranking algorithm with varying weights attached to different viability factors. Let us add another layer to the process and say that most meetings are on Skype; an elder may determine an auspicious time for this conversation.

My friend was a doctoral student in solid-state Physics at Stanford. Her parents decided to put her through the Skype test a week before she defended her thesis. So great was her mother’s relief that she had found a potential groom who was also a doctoral candidate. While the exact details of the conversation are probably content for a separate article, one of the more contentious points the man touched on was a possible superiority complex on the part of the girl, because of her Stanford affiliation. As she told me this, I began to comprehend the futility of the entire setup. For anyone who has contemplated a PhD in any field, it is one of the most underrated pursuits where one puts his/her love of research over a lucrative industry salary, to work for a whimsical advisor. There is really no question of feeling superior attached to  doctoral studies. Forget contemplating marriage, I am not sure I would even want to “get to know” someone this narrow-minded. Needless to say, their conversation went nowhere, much to the despair of her parents.

Speaking for myself, my parents have always feared that everyone in my community will have a certain negative bias towards me since I received all my higher education abroad. People label you as arrogant, self-obsessed, or Americanized just because of where you studied. I have had many a pointless conversation with my grandmother when she told me not to apply to MIT/Caltech because finding a groom in the same league would be close to impossible. The parents of my community's intelligentsia will reject a girl who cannot move to the same country/state the son is working in. While it is considered acceptable to earn a good salary, it is preferred that the girl’s salary be marginally lesser so as not to create an ego clash. Mentioning a PhD/being enrolled in one almost equals being an outcast because then, the girl will be “more” educated than the MBA/MS, banker/engineer son. This generalization was made because most people in my community find themselves in these professions.

One thing evades my comprehension: why should a marriage come in the way of any woman’s pursuits (academic or professional). Should not university attendance/career prospects be determined purely on merit? What if a marriage with someone is certain to thwart everything a woman has worked for all her life? Let us extend the discussion to include women of all castes in India. Suppose a woman A is considering an advanced degree/starting a company/stem cell research. Telling her that she must not try to do it because of marital prospects is equivalent to killing all her passions. If a potential groom has trouble accepting the ideals that the woman espouses, I wonder how a marriage can last purely on society-related constraints like cast or financial status. At the highest meta level, if I were allowed to extend the superficiality in thought process to  more general day-to-day living scenarios, imagine the decisions I will have to be party to throughout my life by being married to such a person. This contradicts the opinions of educated women that marriage should be an extension of who they are and what they stand for.

The next important aspect in the marriage rigmarole is the actual wedding. Most weddings are extravaganzas sponsored entirely by the bride’s parents, in exchange for the parameter-matched groom. These include fancy, over-the-top receptions in lavish hotels and expensive wedding gifts. A friend’s father was told that he had to find a marriage hall fitting the status of the Apple engineer groom and accommodate the relatives in a five star hotel. The result was the dilution of a lifetime of savings on a two-day phenomenon likely to be remembered only by the egotistical friends/relatives. It is time to step back and analyze what went on here: so much attention was focussed on the wedding that people might have missed the crucial point of the marriage that has to survive the test of time. I don’t see anyone checking in to find out if both bride and groom are actually contented within the institution.

So I am going to make a request: to all the educated, ambitious women, find yourself a man who will appreciate you for your eccentricities and quirks, whatever they may be. If you have a crazy goal, there is a whole cynical world with tremendous negative energies outside to eat at your potential. You want to come back to somebody who inspires you, a man who truly pushes you to bring out your best. Changing to meet someone’s requirements is terrible; if you want to make any life-altering change in your personality, it should be inspired by you. If you can find a man who will listen to you when you come up with ideas to change the world and not laugh at you, but help you implement it, you have found your true emotional and intellectual equal.

This note is not an indictment of any individual. I know that most men might find the views accusatory, however, the above-mentioned system exists. Instead of taking this personally, it would do well to change the way you think and be more accommodating and inclusive. To all the progressive men who believe in finding equals for partners, I have a request to you too. As much as you find happiness being in corporate meetings or surrounded by academic papers, it will be nice if you can step out once in a while and show yourselves to women who appreciate your company. Contrary to popular perception, most women find the possible introvertedness rather appealing. By stepping out, thus, you are doing the women, and most importantly yourself a world of good. Think about the happy time you can discuss Tolstoy/Maupassant over breakfast with your significant other without being judged as pretentious.

Then, we can talk about marriage as being a liberating institution, for all involved.



* horoscope - a forecast of a person's future, typically including a delineation of character and circumstances, based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of that person's birth.